Thursday, September 1, 2011

Guest Post: Johanna K. P.

When Johanna K. P. and I talked about her visiting my blog, we discussed how I always share memories of my childhood or current life and how she could fit in. Well, she went a little further and wrote a story about a Christmas gift, turning it into a satirical piece that will surely live on in your memories. So, without further annoying commentary by me, I bring you SNUGGIE!

Hi everybody! My name is Johanna and I’m a writer. It’s my first time doing this… I’m a lawyer by day….. but I was born to write. I also like to spend my time blogging and tweeting. Writing is really my thing, you know.

I met some wonderful people via Twitter, thank you for all these amazing moments you gave me. It was really nice of you to be so welcoming. So….. I wasn’t really sure what to talk about in this post. My genre is more oriented towards horror and generally, dark fiction, but hey, Krystal warned me, so I will watch my language here, and not talk about zombie killers and such…. Guys, no honestly, you have nothing to be afraid of.

Alright, alright, suspense is killing me, and I’m sure it’s killing you too. I wanted to talk today about the climate issues I was having at work.

Calm down, I swear it will be interesting.

You must know that it’s probably 90 degrees outside, but inside my office, it’s a cool 72 degrees at all times, which means that sitting down for 10-12 hours a day, it goes down to 50. I see some of you nodding so this confirms I’m not the only one suffering from that condition. It’s called being a woman.

What did I do to remedy the issue? Well, I snuck in my space heater despite being told not to, because the building where I work is “green”. Yeah, whatever I thought. My comfort comes first. It was a happy few months until the unthinkable happened. I… witnessed my space heater die at my feet this morning. A strange smell of something burning told me that it was better to unplug it, and after much consideration for my co-workers for not causing a fire, (thank you), I discarded it. I couldn’t shed a single tear, the reason being that I was too cold to even feel sad. (sigh)

Now, what was my option? I didn’t have a sweater or a jacket with me, and my legs would stay cold anyway even if I had one. Desperate to end my battle with modern ice age, I decided to consult the oracles, i.e. Twitter, and got a response pretty quickly indeed.

A very thoughtful tweep told me to just get a snuggie. She even said “one of our co-workers has one, and since she has no dignity left, she wears it at her desk. At least, she feels toasty all day!”

Now (I see your interest for this post growing by the second), that was a good idea... in theory. You see… (Gosh this is getting hard) I have a problem with… snuggies. I… I always abhorred the blanket with sleeves…. From the first day I saw the commercial on TV. (Oh Lord please help me) And I hate them even more now. This is why…

Christmas day. I had been waiting all night for this, and could not be more eager to unwrap all my presents. I was so excited…. You have no idea. I was boiling with anticipation. This was supposed to be the best day of the whole month (well after my birthday of course). After much joy and excitement, and gifts I didn’t really care about, I was finally given THE gift. Everybody spoke unanimously. This was it. The big moment of the whole morning. I could not stay still. I felt like I was 5 again.

When I finally tore off the paper, I remained speechless. I looked at it for a long time, and then, I screamed. After tossing the gift aside, I threw myself on the floor and I cried, feeling totally distraught. I could not think clearly. These images kept coming at me….

I pictured myself wandering among deserted streets… Just imagine New York City without anybody around. (That’s actually a pretty cool thought… Let me sit on this for one second. Yeah. I can totally see it. Wow, that would be heaven. Alright… sorry… Back to my story.)

Buildings in ruin, shattered windows, a door squeaking in the distance… (A squeaking door in New York?? Ok… No, that sounds fine… This is fiction after all.) Alright… you got the picture. It was just the whistling wind and me. Or so I thought. I knew I sensed a presence shadowing me but I saw nothing. The breeze kept playing with my hair, as I nervously glanced to my left and to my right, my finger slowly aiming at the safety of my gun (Picture a big gun, like in Resident Evil or Underworld… yeah.) Somebody or something was there watching me…

Suddenly I saw it. It was standing about a hundred feet ahead of me. I…. lost my breath for a second, my hand running to get my weapon out of the holster…. I was so scared. It was not my time…. No, not yet. I…. kept moving. I could feel the sweat running down my spine, my eyes searching for an escape route but finding none. It stayed put…. It was just looking at me. I swallowed and realized my mouth was really dry. I murmured a prayer with every step I took that brought me closer to my fate. It was waiting for me.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t think this through. I wanted out of there alive, you know. So, I did it like in The Matrix. I just pulled my gun and I started throwing karate moves while running (yeah I did both at the same time). I also began shooting like crazy, hitting everything but my target…. My fear gripped my guts until I felt my stomach turn upside down, making me sick to the point where I thought I would pass out but I had to keep fighting. It was now or never. I screamed like a warrior, and I pulled the trigger until my index finger hurt so bad I had to stop. How many bullets did I have in that gun? (I never reloaded, that was awesome. Anyway….) I kept shooting, making a weird face, mouth open, eyes bulging out of their sockets, I sounded terrifying, until I was the last one standing.

I could have looked really badass you guys! I was supposed to be a hero. But no, that was not for me. How do you want to look cool fighting a creature from another dimension when your super sexy black duster has been swapped with an ugly pink blanket with sleeves? Yes, I’m cold all the time so what? I have a reputation to preserve! Who gives snuggies as Christmas gifts? Like really? Where’s your imagination gone? On vacation? I just couldn’t believe this! Like I’m waiting all Christmas for this, and then…. Yeah…. Whatever.

You know what, I don’t deserve this. I’m a writer and I live for that stuff. I fight weird creatures all the time in my dreams. I can’t let this get to me. People who don’t write don’t understand. “What’s the big deal? Who cares if it looks freaking ugly on you?” Guess what? A hero keeps her dignity intact AT ALL TIMES. No matter how cold, I don’t wear blanket with sleeves. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to buy myself a new space heater.

Johanna K. P. lives in New York City. Always on the go, she's a lawyer by day, and also a cat lover and a piano player. She writes SF/UF/Horror and generally dark fiction. Her WIP is titled "The Manicheans". You can find more of her work here.

5 comments:

  1. Hi Johanna & Krystal -

    Last year I got the best Christmas gift since I was a little boy. My kids gave me a hand held can opener lol and I love it. I've needed a new one for years but I always forget to buy one and the old one that hardly worked still got the job done, barely.

    You know, the obnoxious pink snuggie may not seem sexy to you but I am a man. There is something incredibly sexy about about a girl looking fabulous in her own way wearing a mountain of clothing. It's all about perception, imagination, and desire.

    Nicely written. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hysterical!! I was trying to be discreet while sitting at my desk and making believe I was proofing a document. No one would have guessed I was actually reading this blog post on company time -- on the company computer. My ploy worked well, until you started throwing karate moves. Woman! Knowing you personally, I can envision you making moves like that ... and then I lost control; laughing out loud! Snorting!!

    Touche!

    "Ete"

    ReplyDelete
  3. lol great blog! every hero should have a cool costume;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Do you want to know what's even more detestable than the snuggie? The snuggie for dogs. Makes my eye twitch just thinking of it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sweet! I agree, it's just a backwards bathrobe, hideous. I can't imagine anyone wearing one outside of the privacy of their home. Then again, I hate to be cold. Really, really hate it. My fingernail beds start turning a deadly shade of blue/grey, I feel pain like icicles forming in my bone marrow and then the lips start turning blue. I'd go for the space heater as well. Overall toasty, no huge, no ugly sleeves to get in the way. Excellent solution. Brava!

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...